Real Solutions for Life's Problems

No two people are alike. And so it follows, no two people have the same sex drive. While some experts in the field say sex can be the missing link in a struggling relationship, others say it's not the solution for every couple. 

Brampton sexologist Laura Zilney said when a relationship is devoid of sexual expression it may indicate a deeper problem in the relationship.

by Brittany Mahaney

No two people are alike. And so it follows, no two people have the same sex drive. While some experts in the field say sex can be the missing link in a struggling relationship, others say it's not the solution for every couple. Brampton sexologist Laura Zilney said when a relationship is devoid of sexual expression it may indicate a deeper problem in the relationship. A lack of sex is often a symptom of emotional issues, she said, so couples should look at areas outside the bedroom if they are having problems. All relationships have one person who wants more sex and one person who wants less, she said. The bigger the gap - the more likely sex will become a problem that spirals into other issues. Problems between the sheets may not be apparent in new couples, however, Zilney said new couples eventually lose the shimmer that comes along with the infatuation stage, and as a result sex may lose its va va voom. Nixing sex altogether could lead to communication problems, infidelity or deflation of self-confidence, Zilney said. She said sex is a form of intimacy that can strengthen a relationship and if it's not working, couples need to look for a reason why. Ray Robertson, a registered sex therapist, said although sex can enhance intimacy under certain situations, most couples trying to achieve intimacy through sex are working backwards. "Intimacy is its own thing - it either exists as part of a relationship, or it doesn't," he said. "Emotional intimacy is not created by sex, but can be enhanced with sex" Robertson said those who are emotionally disconnected with their partner could experience a low sex drive and become private and withdrawn. He said the problem rarely results from a physical or hormonal issue - it's more likely a disconnection in emotion. According to Robertson, couples need to expand their definition of what sex is. "For all of the supposed progress we've made, we still have a narrow definition of sex," he said. Robertson alluded to Bill Clinton's "under the table" escapades with Monica Lewinski. He said when Clinton told the press he did not have sexual relations with Lewinski, what he meant was "I did not have sexual intercourse with her." For some, "sex" includes everything from intercourse to oral sex to manual sex and all that's in between. Society needs to expand its definition of sex and move away from the male-dominated phallocentric view of sex, which favours male domination of women, Robertson said. He said what appears to be physical problems can often be the result of psychological or emotional issues. However, sometimes couples make the decision to follow abstinence for personal or religious purposes. Zilney said couples of the same faith and moral beliefs rarely see sex as a problem. However, she said couples of different faiths should consider discussing and re-evaluating the relationship in an open and honest environment. If these couples can't reconcile their sexual differences, they could always visit their neighbourhood sexologist. And there are many solutions for couples with a low libido. Zilney said everything from masturbating in front of the other person to oral sex or manual sex to introducing pornography, can release sexual tension.